I thought they were gone, but today I woke up feeling real down. After a week of making a ton of grant applications, I can’t help feeling down. The problem with applying for grants is that it makes you feel like a beggar, and for people who have low self-confidence (blame it on the upbringing!) once that kind of feeling sets in your moods start to go down.
This confidence thing, it’s really not anything I can do anything about it. It’s like some people will laugh at the slightest tickle, others will cry at the slightest pain, others will develop verbal diarrhea at the slightest opportunity. I just start to doubt myself when I don’t see a way out of a difficult situation.
It doesn’t mean I give up. I’m no quitter, and if the going gets so tough I’ll keep going. It’s just that the doubts come like clouds gathering for a rainstorm, and I have to pray to the sun god harder than I always do for him to keep shinning and send away these stupid clouds.
Not had a decent sleep in a whole week, and feeling really bored during the days. Not got the energy to edit the documentaries, though I have a lot of work to do. Every time I open premier pro, I feel energy draining off me. A stupid voice inside my head asks me a stupid question (‘Do you think you’ll ever be Kubrick?’) and I just feel every muscle in my body going limp the way a lump of butter melts when you dump it in a frying pan.
I need a reason. Something to motivate me. To drag me out of this gloom. To tell me that I can make it, with or without money, that I will get there someday.
I’ve been hearing that ‘You’ll get there Dilman’ nonsense for so long now that I need something better than that to re-ignite my heart.
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